Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Are my feet made of real feet?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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