So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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