I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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