nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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