I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
