I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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