if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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