I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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