I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I party with great urgency now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
