I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
