Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When did angry sex become our thing?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
