So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
