the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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