i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
