omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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