i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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