She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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