cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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