I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
