You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
