I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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