Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
