we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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