I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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