i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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