then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
