i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
