im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize