she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
