The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
