I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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