I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
