I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
