My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
