Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
