One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize