Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
