Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
