your thong is hanging out like whoa
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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