In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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