So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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