yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
