OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
