It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
