Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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