I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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