Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
