i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
