Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
