3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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