your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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