You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
