i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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